cathartic exhibitionism

The 1st Philippine International Jazz and Ethnic Art Festival

		05:54am 23/01/2006
	mood: giddy music: Samba! The 1st Philippine International Jazz and Ethnic Art Festival January 20-23, 2006 at The Podium (20th) Casino Filipino Amphitheater simultaneous with Harbor Square, CCP Complex Manila (21st-22nd) & Greenbelt 3 (23rd) http://www.jazzsociety.ph/ ( Read more... ) I had the good fortune of bearing witness to the first leg of the said event, bobbing my head and tapping my toes beside bwenja, who was ever so gallant and chivalrous. hehe. We got there in the middle of Brass Munkeys' set, ogled the gyrating dancers and Tony-Leung drummer of Guarana, admired the Sirocco Australian Group's rousing performance, applauded Carol's avian vocals for the Pinikpikan set (eventually, the gyrating dancers joined in the "community dancing" finale). very, very stimulating.

partial victories

		05:09am 16/01/2006
	mood: accomplished music: Queen - Eye of the Tiger Defining Women’s Empowerment: A Qualitative Feminist Content Analysis of the Gabriela Women’s Partylist’s “Babae Ka, May Say Ka” Radio Program  on RMN DZXL 558Khz from June-July 2005 1. Cover - check 2. Title Page - check 3. Acceptance Sheet - check 4. Acknowledment - ummmmmmmm 5. Table of Contents - errrrrrr 6. List of Tables - check 7. List of Figures - check 8. Abstract - ahhhhhhh 9. Chapter 1 - Introduction - check 10. Chapter 2 - Review of Related Literature - check 11. Chapter 3 - Methodology - check 12. Chapter 4 - Results and Discussion - check 13. Chapter 5 - Summary, Conclusions, and Recommendations - check 14. Bibliography - check 15. Appendices - check A - Letters to Key Informants B - Research Instruments (KII questions and Coding Agenda) C - Radio Program and KII transcripts D - Photographs E - autorun CD of video documentation - nuninuninooooo Ma'm Suva, here I come!

sunday, bloody sunday

		05:05am 15/01/2006
	mood: restless "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." --Albert Einstein just a few days ago, bwenja messaged me that Albert and I were born on the same month and the same period, which makes us both Pisceans. not that I believe any of that crap as much as I used to way back during the Linda Goodman era of my high school life. it was quite interesting back then when I would ask lil_miao what she thought of this ascendant and that number or this color harmony, in the typical attempt of youth with a talent for divination to make sense of the mystical world . i just hope that my main similarity with Einstein ends with astrology and genius, and not dropping out of school due to failing marks. anyway, I hope that my adviser would refrain from violent opposition when she reads my manuscript tomorrow and instead recognizes the brilliance woven in. wahehe. libre naman mangarap, eh.

05:04am 14/01/2006
	"will is to grace as the horse is to the rider" --Saint Augustine

friday the thirteenth

		04:50am 13/01/2006
	mood: groggy "Sometimes, you've got to wade through the mud to get to the river." --Patsy Hedden i am not a superstitious person. this friday, though, is as unlucky as it gets. not only was I unable to watch the Yamato drummers last night with bwenja (which was also a good thing since my uterus was uncooperative and he had to do something else), but I spent the whole day writhing in pain -- the usual monthly muscular cramps due to excessive estrogen secretions, shedding endometrial lining, nausea, a nasty migraine, same old, same old. i did not finish my manuscript. i called Prof. Madeline Suva and explained my predicament, as she sharply hyperventilated into the handset, "you should have predicted it! Ms. Verzosa, you're late! you're thesis is late again!" in a meek and literally pained voice, all I could say was, "um, kasi po, irregular ako, eh. sobrang sakit, i'll just send it through LBC." then after two more sentences, she hung up. i've lost my appetite for nutritionally sound meals and instead, have developed a strong hankering for all things sweet and fattening. i can't sleep either. NEITHER WILL I BE ABLE TO WATCH THE YAMATO DRUMMERS TONIGHT. shite, i'm PMS-ing.

adobelat.

		04:49am 10/01/2006
	mood: cranky "Adventure is worthwhile in itself." --Amelia Earhart today is Alay Gerlock's birthday. Also the ex I was complaining about yesterday. something is wrong with my Adobe Premiere Pro 1.5. Anyone here's got an installer? or possibly, Finalcut or Avid, ok din. hayyy. what a Tuesday. i might as well label it follow-up day. the one thing I need to do, is confirm interviews. oh, and my bibliography and coding agenda, etc, etc, ad nauseam.

fairly productive congressional pasyal

		04:46am 09/01/2006
	mood: anxious notwithstanding New Year's Resolution number 1 (be punctual), I was 15 minutes late to my appointment with the UP Center for Women's Studies Director, Dr. Carolyn Sobritchea. cursing under my breath as I simultaneously brushed my teeth and rinsed my nape under the shower, I managed to appear vaguely presentable for my long-awaited Key Informant Interview with the author of oh, about half the gender books I've been going through this year. i conveniently forgot to borrow a tripod for the video camera so like all happy indie camerawomen, improvization became my saving grace. called NCRFW, e-mailed them my KII questions, spent two hours at the Bahay ng Alumni cramming the last few letters for the RMN Station Manager and to follow up that crucial appointment with Cong. Liza Largoza Maza. I can feel my jaw tightening just thinking about it, like the summer of 2005 when I developed a TMD (Temporo-Mandibular Joint Disorder) due to excessively repressed feelings. so, anyway, i skipped a decent, lady-like lunch and ran straight to the car where a tupperware of salad was waiting for me. in between mouthfuls, i mumbled out directions to the driver to take me to the Congress, even if I didn't have a formal appointment. after all, what have I got to lose? i have just a few days left and I badly need that interview. i pushed a wad of bills into Kuya Allan's hand and asked him to park somewhere near so I could retreat early in the event that my mission fails. as i walked to room 309 of the House of Representatives, I was gripped with a sudden sense of paranoia -- that the reason they weren't granting me interviews was because they had discovered that I was no longer active in the youth arm of the Movement in UPLB. "Oho, so you think you can get help, huh? nuh-uh. not unless you're a card-carrying member of the org, ahahaaha!" But of course, that was just a silly thought in my head so I went on and knocked on the door papered with announcements about budget constraints and health assistance projects. the girl near my shoulder asked me if I was there for medical assistance, too, and I shook my head, saying, "I'm a researcher." she told me she came all the way from Davao, that DSWD sent her to GWP because she got into trouble with an illegal recruitment agency there. Trying my best to be my unusually nice and effervescent self, I flung a few Bisaya phrases and she was visibly delighted that in this strange, stinky city, there was a "kababayan." and so, we pushed the door open and together, stepped into the hive of the Gabrielans. A lady in a gray-streaked braid asked, "anong kailangan mo?" while she stirred her cup of coffee in concentric circles. the other staff in the room looked up, and, seeing that there was no one consequential to interrupting their work, bent down like clockwork back to their number-crunching and paper-pushing. Flashing a sincere, yet ingratiating smile, "magandang hapon po, ma'm. ako po yung estudyante na taga-UPLB, yung nagreresearch sa RMN tuwing Sabado? nariyan po ba si Ate Jang Monte?" of course, I was worried. last time Ms. Monte and I talked was last semester! maybe, she had forgotten all about my thesis. maybe she felt ilang since the revolutionary matchmakers had made the mistake of matching my ex, Kawal, with her; we found out just how small the world is in the space that remains between an interviewee and the researcher after the cameras are turned off and the formula questions have run out. "ay, sorry, kaaalis lang, may meeting siya with Bayan," smiled the braided lady as I tried catching the eye of Kathleen, a Claire Forlani look-alike, the other girl who was part of the radio program staff. I asked if she changed her number since I had been unable to contact them since last semester -- all their numbers were out of reach, or busy, or the irritating faxtone on the other line exactly when you need a human voice instead. "galing kasi siya sa States after nung WTO sa Hong Kong. may ipapasabi ka ba?" "pakibigay na lang po itong mga sulat, yung isa, para kay Cong. Maza, follow up po ng appointment; yung isa, for signature ni Ate Jang para sa RMN," at pakisabi na rin na puñeta talaga yang si Kawal, pero siguro nagbago na siya kasi BAYAN-USA chair na siya, hindi na pwede maging pasaway. nagkita ba kayo sa States? nakilala mo rin ba ang pamilya niya, pati mga ka-grupo niyang Fil-Am? mahaba pa rin ba ang buhok niya? nakasalamin na rin ba siya? hinawakan ba niya ang kamay mo, sinulatan ka ba niya, binigyan ng tula, pinagbayo ng kape sa Kordilyera, nangako ng kung anu-anong napakadaling mapako? but of course, I didn't say that. "balikan ko na lang po bukas or sa Wed kung kailan available si Congresswoman at si Ate Jang. Thank you po, una na po ako, Madam," and I went up to the Bayan Muna office to visit Jeff Dy, my former housemate and kumpare. I nearly spat on the face of the lady who opened the door with such a force. "um, 'gandang hapon, anjan po ba si Jeff Dy?" Blank stare. "si Jeffrey Ian Dy po, yung staff ni Teddy Casiño sa Bayan Muna, yung singkit na kalbo." finally, an air of cognition. the lady pointed to the next door and I went through. Jeff, fatter than ever, welcomed me in and offered a cup of coffee. like being used to housemateship, he pretty much let me do whatever I wanted in the office. finally, I asked him about thesis matters, and as all talks with former housemates and team-mates and former comrades end up, the conversation shifted gears to political lines and religious hegemony and whatever it was we had been debating about the last time we met with his wife, Yami, a Gabriela-Youth sis. he introduced me to his officemates, "Si Vida, housemate namin ni Yami dati, taga-UPLB, dating tibak, " and he laughed in a tone reminiscent of ill-disguised amusement. the room seemed uncomfortably stuffy all of a sudden so I thought it best to leave and go straight home. Thanking Jeff and promising to return with my godchild's Christmas gift, I left and sauntered out of the Congress into the fresh expanse of a tax-maintained parking lot below a sky threatening rain.

long live feminist mommies!

		04:44am 08/01/2006
	mood: determined music: FrancisM - Superproxy 2006 "My favorite thing is to go where I've never been." -Diane Arbus Mrs. Verzosa, the FSN (Foreign Service National), and I had a long overdue talk. It was not about the birds and the bees or perhaps, the key to finding Vikram Seth's suitable boy. Neither was it about handing down baubles and heirlooms or jealously guarded family recipes. Our talk was something like Yoda training the young Jedi knight, or the Bride under the tutelage of Pai Mei, or Mulan seeking instruction from the Captain of the Guards. I was being trained for battle. I was being mentored in one of the most comprehensive disciplines in social transformation. I, after years of integrating an androgenous sense of self, received a crash course in Gender and Development Studies from an expert in the field of Ka-Womenan as a last resort to budgeting the last five days ticking out my manuscript's deadline. this is the finest battle I must wage in the next few hours -- the fight to overcome my nemesis, my low-EQ self. The one thing I got from my father (the meandering style of elucidating a theoretical point -- something in the manner of a maddening Möbius strip) turned out to be the one thing that is causing my work to resemble the hairballs that I get from not combing my hair for seven days straight... Oh, i just remembered, by a short process of trial and error, I discovered that the o with an umlaut is produced through Alt+0246. watch this: ö. hehe. Ok, as I was saying, my mother, as she was reading my first three chapters, exclaimed, "my daughter is a poet. too literary. not a technical writer. I am a technical writer. straighttothepoint. you are like your dad, so roundabout in your phrasing!" she pushed her reading glasses down to the edge of her nose and said, "your topic is for a masteral student. all your teacher wants you to learn is the discipline of writing a research paper." I laughed, jumped up and said, "oops, gotta make myself a pot of milk tea!" dashing to the kitchen and down to the basement to mess with the kids. when i came back, my mother had a red Sharpie marker in her hand, "is it ok if I write on this?" I nodded in assent and proceeded to busy myself with dollops of honey and whipping up froth and passing out spoonfuls to gauge how sweet my siblings want their tea. Sharon Cuneta was caterwauling on ABS CBN for her birthday special and so Mama pointed to the power button to shut her up. Finally, when I burned off some of my hyperactivity from running up and down the stairs, from the kitchen to the dining room then the basement and in between stops, tickling Ninay's scar (her belly has 36 stitches after she was hit by a train in 2001) and hollering on Yasmin's cellphone, i sat down on the carpet and paid attention to my mother, the gender specialist. I was still literally bouncing up and down and she had to periodically remind me to listen, when she stood up and walked down to her mini-library. lo and behold, amidst the dustclods and the plastic animals stuck in the crannies were all the gender books I had been coveting from the UP Press Bookstore, the Center for Women's Studies and the online bibliographies! it's the Mt. Diwalwal of feminist readings! she gingerly plucked out compilations, anthologies, journals, manuals, and muttered about the authors, "oh, this one's by my professor, maka-burukrasya yun, huwag na... ayan, mas activist ang paradigm nito, si Longwe, taga-Zambia, i want to meet her in person..." Then as she plopped down the materials into my waiting arms, she said, "had I finished my other masteral thesis, it would have been this topic. you can tell your teacher if she asks, 'where did you get your topic?' you can say, 'from my mother'," then she laughed out loud like a college coed sneaking out of the dorm after curfew hours. "No, I'll say, 'this is my mother's masteral thesis. i am doing it for her!" and we laughed together as conspirators sharing a secret plot. so, with around 96 hours to go, i will fight my biggest fight in the nastiest of arenas: the human mind.

SA LIYAB NG LIBONG SULO: ISANG REAKSYON

04:39am 06/01/2006 mood: working

This was submitted way back in Mayo 22, 2005, for a PI100 class under Prof. Lani Abad. One of the many reaction papers that I have to archive before I reformat Alunsinsa. ______________________________________________________________________________ SA LIYAB NG LIBONG SULO: ISANG REAKSYON "…sa liyab ng libong sulo, at ang lumang tanikala'y lalagutin mo ng punglo!" -Ka Amado V. Hernandez Ayon sa ulat ng unang grupo, ang katuturan daw ng historisismo ay isang teorya itong nagsasasaad na ang kasayasayan ay may kinalaman sa lahat ng kaganapang kultural sa isang lipunan at kinakailangang pag-aralan ng walang halong personal na motibo at mga natatangi o nag-iisang batayan ng pagpapahalagang sinusunod. Sa palagay ko, hindi malilimitahan sa simpleng historisismo ang gumagabay na teorya sa pelikulang ito sapagkat ibinabandila nito na hindi maihihiwalay ang kasaysayan sa personal na buhay ng mga mamamayan - anumang pampulitikang isyu ay personal, ano mang personal ay tiyak na pulitikal - kahit ang pananahimik ay isang pulitikal na desisyon na nagsisilibi lamang na palaganapin ang mga pagsasamantalang nararanasan hanggang sa kasalukuyan. 18 anyos ako nang una kong napanood ang pelikulang ito sa isang maliit na apartment ng mga kasama sa Los Baños. Ang pagkakakilala ko lamang kay Dr. Carol Pagaduan-Araullo ay bilang ina ng aking kamag-aral na si Atom at Sandra, ang mga napapanood ko lamang na pelikula noon ay ang mga pawang pinalalabas sa mga sinehan. Pero laking gulat ko nang matuklasan na may ganito palang alternatibo sa mainstream, isang produksyon na halaw sa Lipunan at Rebolusyong Pilipino ni Amado Guerrerro. Isa ito sa mga nagpunla ng binhi ng kamulatan sa aking murang isipan noong mga panahong iyon at hanggang ngayon, ay isa sa mga binabalik-balikan kong pelikula upang maunawaan ang rebolusyonaryong pananaw sa kasaysayang Pilipino. Hinggil sa produksyon, sa huling beses na itinanghal ito sa klase, nakapanhihinayang na hindi ito lubos na maunawaan ng aking mga kaklase dahil sa paputol-putol na audio at ang distraksyon ng mga makukulit na katabi. Kahit nga ang katabi ko ng panoorin iyon ay nagtetext lamang at nagbabasa ng kanyang hand-outs para sa susunod na klase, sa halip na namnamin ang mga nilalaman nito. Ngunit nakakatuwa ring panoorin ito makailang-ulit man dahil maraming bagong mapapansin. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na ang nag-edit pala nito ay si Ariel Saturay, isang kaibigan na nakabase na ngayon sa Timog Katagalugan; si Bonifacio Ilagan pala ang nag sulat ng script at nagdirect, at ito pala ay nilikha ng Asiavisions Media Foundation and Video Library, isa sa mga ninuno ng mg pangkat audio-biswal na ngayo'y umuusbong sa iba't-ibang rehiyon. Ito rin pala ay inilikha bilang paggunita sa Rebolusyong 1896 na siyempre, nagpapatuloy hanggang sa kasalukuyan. Muli, naghahalo ang personal sa pulitikal. Ang aking mga personal na ugnayan sa mga kaibigang kumikilos ay isang pagkilala rin sa kanilang mga pampulitikang ambag. Ngayon ko lang napansin ang mga sari-saring elemento katulad ng paggamit nito ng paulit-ulit na temang kanta (Sa Liyab ng Libong Sulo, siyempre) bilang introduksyon, background music at pangwakas na musika na nagsisilbing tagapag-buklod ng buong produksyon. Nakakatuwa din ang ilang eksena tulad ng pagzoom-in ng kamera mula sa isang bulto ng mga rallyista tungo sa mukha ni Dr. Araullo na nakikihanay din doon; pati ang pagtaboy ng mga bumbero ay 'di malaman kung staged o may set-up bilang bahagi ng produksyon o talagang nasa nego-panel si Dr. Araullo sa mga panahong iyon na suot pa rin ang bulaklaking blusa na costume niya sa buong panahong may shooting. Mukhang bahagi rin ng set-up ang maliit na protesta sa may gate ng isang pagawaan at sa harap nila ay may naglulunsad ng grupong talakayan ng LRP habang ang tagasalaysay ay kalamdong nagpapaliwanag sa harap. May pagka-surreal tuloy ang dating ng palabas dahil sa tunay na buhay, malabo yatang sabay-sabay na nagaganap ang mga iyon sa publiko sa isang panahon lamang. Kapansin-pansin din na hindi pa yata uso ang editing ng pelikula sa computer ng mga panahong iyon at linear na makina lang ang ginamit dito. Halatang pinaghirapan talaga ang buong produksyon sapagkat masinop ang pananaliksik at nakapaglakip talaga ng mga aktwal na litrato, soundclips at footage ng mga sinaunang talumpati ng mga puppet na presidente at mga katangian ng bawat rehimen. Kung tutuusin, mas mainam pa nga minsan ang manood ng Liyab kaysa sa basahin ang buong teksto ng LRP sa bahagi ng kasaysayan (pero hindi naman dapat na ipagpalit ang dalawa at lubusang kalimutan ang teksto). Kahit medyo may kahabaan (25 minutos lang ang attention span ng karaniwang estudyante) ang palabas, mahusay pa rin itong supplemento sa pagtalakay ng mga makabayang aralin. Mas maganda rin siguro kung magkaroon ng mga update ito ng mga bagong datos para sa mga sumunod na rehimen matapos ang 1997. Ang isa sa mga dapat ding gawin ay magkaroon ng mas maraming kopya nito sa DVD upang klaro ang kaledad ng biswal at ng tugtog nang mas madaling ipamahagi lalo na sa mga lugar na ang pinalalaganap ay ang kasaysayan sa punto de bista ng mga reaksyunaryong pwersa. Nagustuhan ko rin ang pelikula dahil sa matalas na salaysay nito sa pagpapaliwanag ng mga -ismo na karaniwang pinapanawagan sa mga kilos-protesta, sa paglantad ng karakter ng mga rehimen, sa paglalahad ng istorikong linya at linyang masa, at siyempre, sa mga katangian ng demokratikong rebolusyong bayan. Nakakatuwa din na tinalakay ang hatian ng mga taksil sa rebolusyon at kung ano ba ang ginawa nila upang maliwanagan ang mga haka-haka sa mga konsepto ng relasyon ng bagong Partido Komunista ng Pilipinas (na may apelyidong MLKMZ) sa Bagong Hukbong Bayan at sa Pambansang Nagkakaisang Prente. Lalo na sa lipunan ngayong dinadaluyong ng sari-saring black propaganda ng Estado, ang pelikulang ito ay buong tapang na nagbukas ng mga organong ito. Sana lamang ay lubos na naibigan ng aking mga kaklase ang mga paksang masusing binigyang-diin dito, at hindi lamang dahil sa "Mommy ni crush-Atom" ang nagsalaysay o 'di kaya dahil nagnanais sila ng extra points sa pagsumite ng reaksyon paper. Mungkahi na lang sa susunod na magkaroon din ng mga expectation-check at grupong-talakayan sa unahan o pagkatapos panoorin ang pelikula upang masalo sa propaganda ang mga bagong-gising at nagugulumihanang kaklase. Sa gayong paraan, makabubuo ng sintesis ang bawat grupo hinggil sa kanilang mga personal na desisyon na balang araw, magpapasya din silang lagutin ang kanilang mga lumang tanikala.

i must.

		04:16am 05/01/2006
	mood: busy " A work of art is a corner of creation seen through a temperament." --Emile Zola this is my last lap to run for my review of related literature. Twenty eight pages so far. Single spaced. with block quotes. unformatted. tomorrow, i must be done even with the methodology so i can submit this to Madeline Suva. In seven days, I have to finish the ENTIRE manuscript. by faith, I can. I can. I can. this is the most difficult endeavor i have ever attempted in my entire adult life. everything rests on this. my Macroeconomics class is turning out nicely, got a good score on my exam, considering that I spent the night before waxing and polishing my floor. this is the biggest test of patience and perseverance, of focus and finesse, and all that crap. no use crying over wasted time, although i've been very good at frittering away that resource in every imaginable manner. this is the moment for me to overcome all my lethargic tendencies and to extend my attention span... i am not permitting myself to panic.i have to graduate. i have to. i must.